Loving the Right Ways Blog2009-01-07T12:54:33ZSharon ShenkerCopyright 2009, Sharon ShenkerSPHPBLOGSHARED PARENTING OF TEENSBeing divorced and having shared parenting is a challenge for every parent, and every child... but what about when they are teenagers?
Aren't they a fun group to convince that they should/must still go spend time with the parent that they are not so pleased with? with those changing moods that come out of the blue whenever they don't quite get what they want, some parents find it so hard to stay on their teens good side for a whole day, let alone a full week, every second week.
I recently had conversations with some clients who were trying to figure out if their teenager was manipulating them, if the father had permitted the child to stay with him instead of going back to deal with her relationship with her mother, or if the mother had opened 'a can of worms' that she should/could have avoided if she had just let something from the recent past stay in the past. You know what? Each point is a bit accurate. That's what family relationships are all about - each person dealing with things from their own perspective which might be totally different from the other people around them, yet each one affects the other, sometimes to an extreme/
Who is at fault? Should we blame the father for letting his daughter know that he will always have his door opened for her if she needs or wants to stay with him... cause he is a loving dad who will never turn away from any of his children, as so many other men have done. Should we say the problem person in this situation was the mother, for bringing the troublesome discussion back up with her teenager, after the fact? Sure, she could have let it go, but what if to her, that meant giving away her power as the mother and allowing her child to hold power of authority over her? At what point is a parent supposed to decide to forget about trying to sustain or regain his or her sense of authority with their teen?
Can, or should, we say that the problem is that these parents got divorced at a really bad time in this poor teenagers life? After all, she was having a tough enough time coping with life and finding her own identity, fitting in with her peers and all that she didn't need this divorce to be creating so much more stress!?! I recently heard a teenager complaining that it was the worst year possible for her parents to split up because it ruined the memory of her graduation year - forever! She said that for the rest of her life, every time she will think about her prom or her last year of high school it will always bring back these bad memories... yet, I tend to doubt very much that her kid sister or brother will have better memories of the year for themselves, and I've never heard of anyone saying that their parents picked the perfect year to divorce.
As if we didn't already have enough to consider in all of this, what if we add to the chaos of divorce the fact that we all have our own personalities and can therefore get along well with one, some, or none of our kids, because they go and grow into their own unique personalities, too. Ohhh, wasn't it so much easier when they were babies just keeping us awake at night... or when we were able to let those personality differences slip and slide by because the other parent was still around to pick up the slack of dealing with "that kid" or "those people"?
Some parents have had so much difficulty with one of their children that they ended up telling the child to "leave, now! Get out my house!" A lot of teens are told to leave a parent's house, not just the kids deciding to run away. Seriously, did you think all the runaway teens washing your car windows for change or sitting on the corner begging for some money for dinner came from abusive, drug-addicted or alcoholic families that commit incest, leaving the child no choice but to run for their safety? Group homes are filled with kids of all ages because of many reasons. Sometimes, it's the kids who need protection from a parent or family situation, and sometimes a parent needs the child to leave the home for their own safety or emotional well-being.
So many parents get caught up in the divorce battle that when they are finally through the struggle of litigation and win shared custody, it breaks their hearts to suddenly discover that one of the kids they fought so hard for is a teenager who is furious at having to deal with shared parenting. What are we to do if the teenager we always loved so much makes it almost impossible for us to have them in our home? What if we can't even get them to come over? Is the other parent responsible to force the teen to seen you?? Would you be willing and able to tell your crying child that s/he has to go spend a week with their other parent even if you were hearing, through the sobs, something like, "I can't believe you would make me go! Now I know that neither of you loves me!" or "If you make me go, I'll run away and you'll never see me again!" Or... "I hate my life! I'd rather kill myself than spend another week with them!"
What would you do? What did you do?]]>http://www.lovingtherightways.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry081220-1019072008-12-20T00:00:00Z2008-12-20T00:00:00ZFirst Holiday Since Separation First holiday since the separation or divorce How can we minimize the pain and make it enjoyable for our children and ourselves?
By Sharon Shenker, (E.C.E., F.L.E., B.A., M.B.T.I.) Family & Relationship Coach with Divorce Support Plus http://www.divorcesupportplus.ca
The key thing to remember is that your children deserve to celebrate the holiday. As a parent, it’s your responsibility to hide your grief or anger. They have to be assured that although you aren’t all together, the holiday is still supposed to be a special, fun time to be celebrated. It’s essential for their healing that this holiday is remembered as a happy experience ‘even though’ rather than embedded in their memory as a horribly awful time.
Be sure to tell the children that you want them to have a good time with each parent. When the kids are with their other parent overnight, be sure to phone each morning or evening to say your “I love you’s” but don’t tell them how much you miss them or ask questions about who’s there, or what they got. Let them just enjoy their time with their other parent, extended family, whoever. Let them just be happy kids!
Don’t dwell on the negative. Focus on the celebration and any positive aspects about the holiday your family celebrates, like gift giving, relatives who will be coming into town, and the parties to go to. If you’re having a hard time with the fact that your family is no longer celebrating together in one place your children should be the last to know.
Don’t Bring Up the Separation/Divorce, but don’t block the children from doing so. I have heard so many clients saying things like, “this is our first (Christmas or Chanukah) as a broken family.” Ouch! With that attitude who could be happy? It just gives everyone permission to be sad or angry and unable to enjoy the holidays. Parents are supposed to set a positive example, so don’t allow your sadness or anger to intrude upon your children’s enjoyment of the holidays... or any time for that matter.
Show the kids you understand their feelings, and offer words of encouragement. For example, you could say, “I know you might feel sad or angry at times because the holiday is different from what we’re used to, but we’ll all get through it together and next year will be easier because we’ll all be feeling more normal about the changes by then.”
Make The Most Of What Time You Have With Your Children. If you’re divorced, you probably already know you’re not going to be able to share every moment of every holiday with your child, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make the most out of the time you do have with your child.
Wrap Yourselves in Love. Just like you’d wrap a present in beautiful wrapping paper and ribbons or bows, put your best effort into wrapping yourselves up in warm, loving memories. Allot that relaxed, quality time. You know the song, “All you need is love”, well, it’s true for now.
Start building new traditions with your child at your place. You have the choice. This holiday season can be a time of regret for what you all lost and you spend the holidays in a family pity party or you can make it a time of celebration shared with your children doing new, positive memory-building traditions. It is up to you what memories you build with your children, but building positive memories means building strong relationships that last not just all year long, but a lifetime. Think back to when you were a kid- what did you want to do? Use some ideas from a favourite holiday movie, anything that will be fun for all.
Don’t forget the camera. You don’t have to worry about planned poses or arrangements, just catch the kids smiling and find someone who can snap a few with you and the kids together.
Expect and Respect your children’s desire to speak with their other parent. It’s essential that you arrange a convenient time or times for their other parent to call the children, twice a week is acceptable, but also see to it that the children call him/her on the ‘special day’ and allow them privacy for the call.
As a SPECIAL gift to your children, if you haven’t already started being cordial with your ex, use the holidays as the starting point to behave well towards each other, especially in front of the children. Talk with your ex ahead of time about gifts so your children won't be overindulged, or receive duplicates.
Keep extended family (grandparents, etc.) involved in the holidays. The children need the security and continuity in their lives, now more than ever. Plus, sometimes children find it easier to confide in a grandparent than their mother or father whom they know is going through a tough time and they don’t want to make more problems for. If you used to take the children shopping for a present for their other parent, or gave them money to do so, continue to help them get or select a present. S/He is not just your ex, s/he is still your children’s loved parent.
A few words for Dads from John, a born-again-bachelor and custodial father of twin 16 year-old girls
If you can cook, cook. If you can’t… don’t even try now. It’s going to be stressful enough without adding to it. Book in to a suitable venue, depending on the ages of the children. Younger kids will be happier at the “all you can eat” buffet places (Vichy for example). Remember it’s about them, not you trying to prove how much better a parent you are than the other parent.
Same goes for presents – the economic reality of the separation will soon or may already have sunk home.
Stay off the credit cards in a bid to impress. You can even wait a day or so until the sales to get some significant savings, but be sure to plan this with the kids in advance so they aren’t disappointed.
Stay off the booze… it’s too easy to slip into that trap. And it goes without saying – if you drink don’t drive. The other party’s lawyer would have a field day with the news that you got a drunk driving conviction while exercising access – not to mention that difficulty you will have taking the kids out and about over the period of the ban.
If there’s a new ‘special someone’ in your life already, keep them out of the picture for this first holiday period. It’s all about you, your kids, and creating a sense of normality/stability.
Don’t try to do too much… there’s nothing wrong with snuggling up on the sofa watching a movie and eating popcorn. Kids get tired (and so will you) of running around here and there and everywhere.
Back to me… Whether you have the children with you or not: Let people know ahead of time that you would appreciate it if no one talks with you about your former partner because it is a difficult time for you and you want to stay focused on the positive and hopeful for the future. This holds even stronger if the children are with you because they have selective hearing – no matter how convinced you are that they won’t or don’t hear the conversation, if it’s something they want to hear they will, no matter how quietly it’s said. I can’t tell people enough, how damaging it is for the children.
First holiday alone, without the children: For a lot of people, one of the most challenging things about getting divorced is figuring out what to do with yourself when you don’t have the children. I tell all my clients that they have to prepare for this the same as you do for that first restaurant dinner alone or going to see a movie by yourself. If you are very lucky you have a single friend you can always count on, but very often, your friends are the couples you used to spend time with and are still in their relationships.
So, what can you do? Well, if your finances can still handle it, there are always the ‘singles’ resorts or holiday packages like at Club Med. Or, you can look into what courses are going to be available during the holiday season. You might be able to take up a new hobby or skill, like cooking, dancing, ceramics, or yoga. If you already have a hobby like photography, plan a project to do over the holidays. Some restaurants offer cooking classes, so don’t just check schools or libraries. In fact, go online and check “meetup.com” to see if there are any groups that interest you in your area. If you find one you like, it’ll be a great way to get started on meeting new like-minded singles. If you’re into physical activities, there are usually holiday packages that cater to those who like walking, hiking and cycling. In fact, so many newly single parents forget that they need a little time off for themselves during the year, so why not get a head start now by looking into your summer holiday of skydiving, or white water rafting.
And, very importantly, don’t forget that you can volunteer your time to others in need. There are tons of places that need a helping hand during the holidays and it would probably feel great to do something for others. It will most certainly be rewarding… and healing.
Right about now, you might be thinking, “but what about late at night when I’m back home alone and depressed?” Well, how about renting or buying a bunch of comedy or thriller movies and a few bags of popcorn ahead of time, as well as some new magazines or the latest CD of your favourite singer for some private dancing. You could always build something for the kids, get started on your income tax, or go online and find some other people to chat with. There are a ton of things you can do other than sitting and feeling sorry for yourself. The most important thing is to remember to stay positive that things will change. It will get easier! Life does not stand still – even when we want it to, so why would it when we want things to feel better? It just takes a little planning and effort to bring yourself out of your sad thoughts. And, if you really can’t, then try this: Hold a pity party for yourself. Yes, I’m actually saying to do it. But, there’s a catch. It’s only for 10 minute intervals, maximum two a day. What you do is find the most uncomfortable spot in the house to sit with a box of tissues or a pillow to punch (depending whether you’re more in the sadness or anger phase of recovery!) and let your thoughts and feelings flow. Just wallow in it for a whole ten minutes; then stop. (You can set a timer if you want to be punctual about it.) Then get up and carry on with your new life, the one that you will soon learn to accept, and maybe even begin to love.
A note from Lauren La Rose, reporter/writer for The Canadian Press concerning an interview she did with me on this subject on November 27, 2008
Hi Sharon, Thanks again for all your help and agreeing to be interviewed for my story. Here are some of the news outlets that have picked it up:
WISHING EVERYONE AN EASY AND PLEASANT HOLIDAY SEASON! Sharon ]]>http://www.lovingtherightways.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry081210-1852182008-12-10T00:00:00Z2008-12-10T00:00:00ZBelieve in it, then create it!Play & Talk Wellness Program for families who don't want or can't really handle talking as their only way to reconnect, build bonds or get over past hurts and start healing. I have had many people use clay, papier mache, colored papers, pictures from magazines, crayons, found objects, etc. for projects to work on while talking, and healing, and growing and changing. It's like art therapy, because it is so therapeutic.
Working with art or play materials with children of divorce, recently separated or divorced men and (especially) women, couples who are experiencing difficulty communicating, or a parent and child who are having such a stressful time talking with each other has been amazing. I have always found the arts a great way to relax, heal, and then move forward.
When I was a kid I made collages of pictures on a particular topic. In university, we advanced to making mind maps to show all the extenuating circumstances to a problem or issue. Finally, I learned about vision boards. They have always reminded me of Dr. Wayne Dyer and now they fall into the category of `the secret`and `the law of attraction.` If you have never done one for yourself, I have to ask... are your life and relationships the way you want them to be?
I recently came across a book that has to be the best I have ever seen on creating vision boards. Joyce Schwarz has created a beautiful work of art for us all to see and learn from. Quite naturally, the book is VISION BOARDS the secret to an extraordinary life. Go to www.ihaveavision.org to learn more about it, and send me a picture of yours if you'd like to have it posted online with your story of healing, hope and vision.
]]>http://www.lovingtherightways.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry081101-1927472008-11-01T00:00:00Z2008-11-01T00:00:00ZGood for you moments Life is about what we make of today, what you’re doing for yourself now. And it deserves to be recognized and celebrated, not dismissed.
What did you do for yourself today - not your husband/wife or kids - You! What was your good-for-you moment? Maybe you splurged on a new handbag, indulged in a bubble bath or did an extra three miles on the treadmill. Whatever your moment is, note it, name it, post it and share it.
Sharing your moments will remind you of what’s important to you and will quite possibly inspire others to celebrate what they are doing, too.
Live. Laugh. Take action. Celebrate your life... each and every day!
And share what makes you feel good with the rest of us! Post it as a comment here so that others can add to their list of ways to celebrate living.
As one of my sisters always says, Enjoy in joy.]]>http://www.lovingtherightways.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry080429-2241412008-04-30T00:00:00Z2008-04-30T00:00:00ZHow would you and your siblings do? I'm writing this log as a journal of hope for my family as well as yours. You see, I am the youngest of five children that were born within six and a half years, and we certainly had our relationship issues with each other. We were what would be called a 'dysfunctional' family, just like all others. We had our sibling rivalry, battles for attention from our parents, fights because of personality differences, our fair share of boundary dilemmas, over and under-functioning, triads and dyads, taking people for granted, speaking for one another, role reversals, demands for sameness, anxiety about differences, distancing, blaming, unspoken rules, secrets, all kinds of complicated family issues; birth order, our parents' relationship, a grandparent and uncle(s) living with us, illness, business problems... and more.
So, where's the story of hope, you ask... Well, we all sat together in one waiting room from Monday till Friday with a few dirty looks and whispered comments, but not a single blow-up or fight! When I look back on how difficult it has been for each of us to be ourselves with 'the family' because of how each of us was affected by it I think we did amazingly well in proving our love and devotion to our mother as more important to us than our issues with each other.
What a tribute to her as an accomplished mother! Her five diamonds, as she calls us, along with their 'chips' (or some other word for the grandchildren) proved that when there is a will, there is a way...
Consider yourself and your family. What has made it or still makes it difficult for you to be yourself with them? How has your relationship with your spouse been affected by how your family was for you when you were growing up? Has your birth order affected your personality aside from your family role? What role does your family history play in your life? How would you and your siblings do sitting in a room together... while you are all under stress? And, do you want the opportunity to improve it all before you have to go through a week like we just did? ]]>http://www.lovingtherightways.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry080406-1251552008-04-06T00:00:00Z2008-04-06T00:00:00ZAttitude: From Dreadful to Grateful Living “My life is the definition of Murphy’s Law!” “I love my life, even the challenges that help me grow.”
It’s very common for me, in my work as a coach who specializes in divorce, to hear the first statement above. Naturally, the majority of my clients are the partners that were left and they come to me at a time when they are dealing with the pain of a disappointing, failing or failed long-term relationship… so, the idea of it ending isn’t quite thought of as a growth challenge – yet. In fact, many of the men and women who speak with me see their partners as selfish and disrespecting of their feelings, needs and wants. I hear a great deal of ‘I didn’t see this coming at all’, ‘what about my rights?’, ‘it’s not fair!’ and ‘My life is over now, cause I can’t live without him/her.” So, they are in a state of shock or denial, trying to make sense of what has happened to their life with a shattered sense of self-esteem on top of what feels like an upside-down life that’s making them feel very insecure and unsafe… or, they are already in the rollercoaster stage and they are bouncing between being angry, depressed and bargaining to get their partner back.
One of the first things I have to do is to help them decide whether their relationship can be saved and rebuilt or not. When there is no choice for this partner because the other is certain, and perhaps already moved on to someone else, we begin the work of healing, through acceptance, growth and empowerment. It’s often a matter of helping someone get back or take control of the rest of their life by learning how to change their own attitude, expectations and life skills… so that they can forgive, if possible, trust themselves and move on.
But, one of life’s greatest challenges for so many people is hanging on to a positive attitude. And, believe me; I know how hard it can be! I’ve had quite a few disappointments and surprises in my own life. Honestly, I have always battled myself with a thought and attitude pattern that I’ll call “Dreadful Living.” Yes, as much as I wish I could say that I always ‘walk the talk,’ I am human like you and I too sometimes falter. I always tell my clients that every one of us humans has strengths and weaknesses, skills and dysfunctions, really great learned patterns and some stinkin’ thinkin’ patterns that they can work on. Virginia Satir, the creator of the family therapy model I trained in, is known to have said that 95% of people come from dysfunctional families to some degree, yet I am still waiting to meet someone that belongs to that group of 5% of the population! So, how can you and I work on changing from a ‘Murphy’s Law’ dreadful living attitude to the more pleasant and healthy grateful one?
By the way, this is not just a lesson for people reeling from a divorce! Even if your marriage is fine, developing a grateful attitude can do wonders for you, your family, and for all of your interpersonal relationships! One of the worst dis-eases of attitude is complaining, because when we complain, we aren’t only focusing on what’s wrong with or ruining our mood, we are also making everyone we speak to hear it. So, unfortunately, by complaining we are probably even adding to the problem because then the people we feel closest to (we did choose to confide in them!) want to hide from us and our negative ranting.
According to ‘the secret’ we would be so much better off if we shift our focus to what is ‘right’ and ‘good’ about our life because, aside from events actually just being neutral and therefore it being merely our attitude that determines whether or not something negative has transpired, but we create what happens in our life from our thoughts!
So, I don’t know about you, but the next time I find myself disappointed with how a situation turned out or was handled, I’m going to take some time to learn from the experience. I will begin by determining what I expected to happen so I can see the difference. Then I will try to see what I can actually learn from what did happen. And instead of chancing doing the same thing again, I will figure out what I can do differently in the future if a similar situation arises. I’m also going to try really hard to stretch myself to see what it would be like to be grateful that the situation happened just as it did. I’ll find something to say to myself so that I can feel "spared" from something much worse. You know, like- if I hated having to eat broccoli, I could certainly tell myself that it would be so much worse if I was homeless and starving. Maybe then I would be able to feel genuinely grateful for the broccoli experience and all it brought me - seeing if we can find the gift in each situation for us.
Here’s a little exercise I give my clients to do: Write in a Daily Gratitude Journal (like on Oprah!) At the end of each day, take some time to review your day and find at least five (5) things that you are glad happened. It can be something simple, like the sun was shining (and ignore how cold the temperature was!) or that it was so nice to receive a smile from your neighbor. Basically, look for all the signs that life isn’t out to get you and only throws you the leftover stuff you hate. It’ll actually help you to stop dwelling on the negative and start looking forward to what just might happen for you tomorrow!
Here’s mine for today already: I'm feeling very grateful for the arrival of spring, the sun shining through the windows of my cozy home, the companionship of my cat, and my mother who I just finished speaking with. (Thanks for the call, Mom!) And most of all, I'm grateful for the ability to do the work I love, providing Family & Relationship Coaching to others. So, if you know of anyone who could use some great tools, guidance, and support, please refer them to me or my blog.
If you have a hard time finding things to be grateful for, then I strongly encourage you to schedule a coaching session so we can start today to change your life!
Wishing you and yours all the best,
Sharon Shenker, founder, www.divorcesupportplus.ca www.lovingtherightways.com 514-804-3585 ]]>http://www.lovingtherightways.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry080321-1142242008-03-21T00:00:00Z2008-03-21T00:00:00ZAwakening Your Marriage The fact is: one of the first mistakes many members of a couple make is in labeling their relationship and/or partner. We've all heard people calling their partner's names, labeling them as 'jerks', 'control freaks', or worse, and calling their relationships 'a nightmare' or that it feels like 'a prison.' Well, one of the first steps in saving a marriage is stopping all of this identification with labels.
After all, how can you begin to build a happier, healthier relationship if your self-talk is still standing firm on how awful they are to you?
Instead of me giving all my views right now on the similarities I see to the process of changing and awakening our relationships to chapter two of this book... how about if you make comments on it here or in the forum so we can talk further about it.
]]>http://www.lovingtherightways.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry080319-1234562008-03-19T00:00:00Z2008-03-19T00:00:00ZLove the Right Ways or you may need Divorce Support plus... As a Family & Relationship Coach for almost ten years now... and as a woman, mother, daughter, sister, friend, ex-wife, ex-girlfriend, and who knows what else... I know that falling in love with someone is easy, yet keeping the love going strong on a daily basis in a long-term relationship, whether that means your marriage, parent-child, or even your sister-sister relationship, is not easy!
It requires great effort, and self-awareness more than other-awareness and skills! Whatever your relationships are at this time in your life, I'm willing to bet that a little help with some personality-based living hints would come in handy.
Imagine filling out a simple multiple choice form and finally 'getting' why s/he thinks and behaves the way they do... and why it annoys you! The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator does just that. It not only identifies common areas of difference that can cause mis-communications and conflict, it provides a non-judgmental, neutral language for discussing misunderstandings and irritations, so that we can begin creating a gentler flow in the relationship. After all, more harmony and a better understanding of each other is what we all want in our relationships, isn't it?
Couples, individuals, families, work teams, ...anyone can make constructive use of their differences with the help of an MBTI analysis.
Let me know if you're interested. Or, if you've had it done, let me know what you thought of it - did it help your relationship?
Talk soon,
Sharon Shenker www.divorcesuppportplus.ca www.lovingtherightways.com 514-804-3585]]>http://www.lovingtherightways.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry080313-1202352008-03-13T00:00:00Z2008-03-13T00:00:00ZNew Blog goes online!http://www.lovingtherightways.com/blog/index.php?entry=entry080309-1109482008-03-09T00:00:00Z2008-03-09T00:00:00Z